The Shame Response to Rejection

The shame response is a primitive physiological response to a rejection of oneself by another. The discomfort of this response may vary from intense physical pain to one that is barely noticeable, if at all. When this pain is sufficient, it causes anger that may be directed outward against another or inward against oneself. The intensity of the shame response, hence the intensity of the pain and anger, is related to the significance of the other, the significance of witnesses to the rejection, one s vulnerability, whether or not the rejection is of oneself or an aspect of oneself, and if the rejection comes as a surprise. When most intense (i.e. most painful), the shame response may include a tightness of the throat, nausea, stomach pain, and a sense that the contents of one s chest and abdomen are collapsing, exploding, or imploding. In reviewing what preceded an act of violence, it is necessary to determine whether the assailant had experienced a shame response and how intense it was. Understanding that a shame response can lead to anger and violence allows for the prevention of violence. This requires that individuals do not experience rejections that are so painful as to lead to violence.