Rising Above Shame: Healing Family Wounds to Self-Esteem

Introduction No emotion has the potential to inform us more about our selves than does shame. Unfortunately, many of us grew up in families where we were exposed to parental behaviors that induced too much shame. In childhood, carefully measured and small doses of shame lead to the formation of conscience and the capacity for emotional growth and integration. This optimal amount of shame is experienced as feeling exposed as someone who is in some way lacking. It is a temporary and tolerable feeling that is released as soon as it is acted upon. Thus, optimal shame can be used to improve ourselves and our relationships. On the other hand, too much shame is poisonous to the developing child self because it is internalized; that is, it becomes a lasting part of the self. Instead of having useful information about the self that would motivate corrective measures that release shame, the child forms an enduring core belief that says "I'm bad and unlovable," or some variation on this theme. This belief follows the child into adulthood and is experienced as shame-the painful feeling of being inferior, inadequate, or defective as a person. Too much shame is responsible for low self-esteem as well as difficulties in forming and maintaining close relationships. This book is about how too much shame is induced in children as certain parental messages are taken into the developing self. These negative messages sever the crucial attachment bod between parent and child and thus activate shame. I will explain how these messages are communicated and how each results in a different shame-based core belief about the self. Readers who were subjected to various combinations of such messages will learn how to counter them and create a new sense of self based on positive self-esteem.