Freezer Burn --Signed-- [first edition]

While not dumber than a fence post, Bill Roberts is not noticeably smarter either. When his mother dies abruptly, Bill douses her remains with cologne, swathes her body in plastic bags, and hopes that he can continue to cash her social security checks. His next brainstorm involves recruiting two buddies to rob a fireworks stand. During the holdup and its aftermath, the storeowner is shot, one of the accomplices gets a Roman candle lodged in his brain, and the other is bitten to death by water moccasins after fleeing into the swamp. Disfigured during a bungled firecracker stand hold-up, Bill joins a traveling freak show to evade police. He doesn't stand out too much among the dogmen, bearded women, hermaphrodites, and the mysterious frozen man whose sinister aura seems to link them all. This menagerie is presided over by a benevolent beardless Santa Claus, John Frost. Frost is married to the gorgeous, blonde Gidget, a virtual sex-machine and the most desirable woman Bill has ever seen. Bill is soon immersed in a world of freaks, where he makes friends with Conrad the Wonder Dog and U.S. Grant, the bearded lady, and quickly becomes embroiled with Gidget in a plot to kill Frost and take over the business.